honoriartist (honoriartist) wrote,

Leica widow

Today my Leica is being delivered. I can track it's path on the UPS site. It's been "out for delivery" since 5:48 this morning. I jump every time the rattle of a truck goes by.

I've been thinking of Fletcher and the Leica. Fletcher always had a Leica from the moment I met him until he left; it was his camera. He took amazing photographs with his Leicas. His Leica shot from the hip. His Leica decapitated wedding parties. His Leica flashed nudes of me in the bathtub and in front of many strange and amusing backgrounds. One bathtub nude ended up on the walls of a gallery and in the pages of ArtsCanada. I was mad about the public display of my bath at the time. Being an artist's model sometimes gets confusing when you're also the spouse. Buying the camera is connected to Fletcher and the good times we shared. I didn't conciously realize that this brand and the Leica logo on the camera were so emotionally attached to Fletcher and his creativity. Buying the camera is fulfilling a closure.

Even though the Pope abolished Limbo I'm pretty sure Fletcher is there now at the potting wheel turning out head jugs of demons as they pass through to harvest souls. Fletcher approves of my purchase - that's for sure.

When I traded a graphic recording for an hour of the Women's Chamber speaker's expertise on wealth management last week I found out that because we were married over 10 years that I am considered a widow by social security. The title of widow is a powerful title. In addition, since Fletcher inherited wealth near the end of his life, and even though I won't see any of it, I consider myself a little closer to being a dowager. Honoria, the name, comes from a time when I needed to find time to live as an artist, to psychologically cut the responsibilities to support Fletcher and Lucas away from my need to be an artist. So I split my self into two: the one with the social security number supported the family, the other was based on the dowager duchess of Denver in Lord Peter books by Dorothy L. Sayers. One day at the office I just added her to my self-image and used her as my user ID online. Pow! Done! Being a dowager duchess with no men to support and no day job gave me the mental freedom to realize my artist self. My friend, Miss Ruby, started to call me "your grace":-) So part of me kept the job and the other part launched into the Internet, made the cyberopera, researched mail art, and presented findings at conferences. Honoria went for a Master's Degree AND a Ph.D. and got them. During those years the old job finished and so did the marriage. The son grew up quite nicely (see Mother's Day). Honoria took over steering and her education creates a bit of wealth. She's a landowner and happily attached. The end.
Tags: identity, leica, widowhood

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